A few days ago before walking out the door for a run, my cousin called and had asked if I was still running. 

-”Yeah!  I’m actually going for a 10 mile run right now!”

-”Ohhhh”

       From here she proceeds to tell me that she is putting together a running team to run a relay marathon…I still don’t know all of the logistics as far as how many people are on our team exactly, but we each run 4 or so miles in different terrains…one person in the sand, one person uphill on a bridge or something, and so on…  I told her I would be down as long as I don’t have to run uphill or in the sand…sorry?  I’m not THAT hard core.  I like running, but I’m not great at it…I can run for miles, but I struggle at speed!  I always end up going too fast at the beginning and slowing down the longer I go.

        So I agree to run this little shindig in Corpus (for this weekend).  I get a call from my cousin again later on and she tells me how we get team uniforms….and that the shorts are pretty much women’s shorts. “Ugh….”  I groaned and hesitantly asked if I could get a Large pair of shorts…. I didn’t want my calamari falling out so I wanted to then make sure these had some kind of built in underwear because I wear boxer briefs…as some of you lucky ladies may know…and I didn’t want those riding up all in my business.  So in the end, there’s really no story here… I’m just nervous about running in these short shorts and my junk being all exposed!

 Oh!  I almost forgot!  Speaking of running… I came home for lunch the other day and started watching MTV’s Return To Fat Camp and learned a new term that has now become my new favorite word….I learned what “Chub Rub” is… Well if you aren’t aware Fat camp is full of fat people…and one girl started bragging that she didn’t have to do the daily activity because she had “chub rub”…she then proceeds to spread her legs and pull away the fat on her leg to show that she has this huge freaking rash on her inner thighs from her chub…rubbing together…I wanted to vom since I was eating at the time, but I just could not stop laughing!  So yeah, I was there… in my apartment during lunch…eating a sandwich and laughing SO HARD by myself at this girl with huge rashes (chub rub) on her inner thighs

That’s all I got…wish me luck this weekend!  Hope my calamarie doesn’t fall out! Or worse, hope i don’t get chub rub!  Oh and hopefully I don’t get swine flu in Corpus!  Have a great weekend!

So this week has been a pretty big week for reality TV…but before we get to that…if you haven’t seen this on my fb page…please meet my new gf…I don’t know why it has taken me so long to find her:

I mean…we both love freebies?

American Idol-  I’m still hoping for a surprise wildcard and that the judges bring Tatiana back.  Especially because I missed the episode they kicked her off.  I know that this week they had something or other about the AIDS thing and giving money to kids in Africa or something like that, but I just don’t understand why they couldn’t get someone better to sing than that kid who barely learned English a week ago! WTF?!  Couldn’t they have gotten Sean Kingston? Akon?  I also don’t understand why so many people are so obsessed with Adam…I’m  not a big music person, but I don’t think he’s THAT great of a singer….BRING BACK TATIANA!!!!!  We’ll see next week who gets the BOOT!

 

Biggest Loser-

   UGH.  Where to begin?  How about with the fact that sure I’m glad the biggest loser is giving back and doing that pound for pound thing and giving money to food banks….but did anyone see that mother of 10 trying to feed her measly kids??? She was HUGE!  Why isn’t anyone calling CPS on her?  I wish I had a picture of her because she’s probably the size of all her 10 children…that’s where all the food in the food bank went.

   Kristen…as usual grossed me out …still fat….this time with blonde hair. And Awkward Laura (Tara’s partner)…she’s complaining about guys not asking her out because she was so fat…I’m pretty sure it’s because she so awkward.  I was really upset my homegirl Tara didn’t win! She was SO CLOSE!!!  Freaking Crypt Keeper Helen had to ruin it… don’t get me wrong….I actually think 117 pounds is a perfect weight for girls!  This would be a perfect world if all girls could be 117 pounds….just not a cranky grandma that sends her daughter home over her and 117 pounds.  Well maybe 117 pound girls till they’re about 40 or so…we don’t need any more 117 grannys like Helen.

 

Daisy of Love-

    More like Tranny of love.

 

 

 

 

 

SURVIVOR-

   This Sunday is the finale!!!!  Since I’m writing this before it comes on tomorrow, I’m REALLY hoping Coach gets voted out…and if he wins immunity, he won’t go…if he DOESN’T win, he’ll go this week.  Then Erinn. I’m thinking JT, Stephen and Taj in the finals…aaaaand JT for the win!

      “DAMNIT!” This is the thought that went through my head earlier today, and I’ll explain.  Ever since I was little I have never been a fan of raisins… actually, the only time I do like raisins are when they are on celery….otherwise known as ants on a log…which is delish….but I can remember wanting my mom to buy Raisin Nut Brand cereal because it was always on TV when i was younger…but every time she would buy it, I would always end up taking the raisins out!  I think my dislike of raisins came from some time in elementary school when that was ALL they would give us for snack…the ones in the red box with that woman on the front….

   With that, we ALWAYS had to finish our snacks…which I hated!  So this brings me to my current story at hand…as well as one of my all time pet peeves.  The other day some TV people in our building had some kind of conference meeting and used our conference room…as a sort of “thank you” they sent us boxes of assorted cookies, goodies…whatev.  So my boss gave me one of these chocolate cookie things (not chocolate chip…just chocolate)  and told me I had to get one….  Sitting in my cubicle, the fat child in my starts-a brewing… then I start thinking…”Ok I need to go quick  because I want to get at least one cookie”- as it was close to lunch and I didn’t want anybody to take the last cookie! 

   So I walk back to our kitchen and see the box of cookies on the table.  Btw my favorite kind of cookie is chocolate chip.  Looking into the box of morsels I look down and reach in to one of the many chocolate chip cookies…. I was so suprised because usually those are so popular and go quick! So the fat child takes over and shoves it into my mouth when… “DAMNIT! Blaaaaahhhh”  It was a freaking RAISIN Oatmeal whatever cookie!  SICK!  I HATE when this happens…or maybe it just happens to me a lot….A lot of the time my inner fat child overwhelms the healthy-normal-Joe and isn’t even able to bring the cookie passed his mouth to look up close and realize that they are freaking raisins, not chocolate chips.  So after I had 1/2 the cookie in my mouth I literally spit it out…right there, in the middle of our kitchen.  Then I looked around to see if anyone was around looking, which there wasn’t so I quickly picked up my mess of saliva and cookie.  Hope I don’t have swine flu!  I was also glad I wore a dark shirt today because I had oatmeal raisin saliva on my shirt. :-/

   Today did turn out to be a better day though!  So if you know me, you know how obsessed I am with $5 foot longs from subway. For one…they are only $5 and for 2 because they are a foot long!  That is such a great buy!  So I go to my favorite lunch spot, subway!  So I get in line and Linda, the chubby mexican woman waves at me “Hey HUN!”…talk about hubba hubba!  “Hey Linda!  Happy Cinco De Mayo month!” I smile back.  we talk for a little bit, since I took a late lunch there wasn’t much of a crowd, so we had time to chit chat.  So I go through the line and decide to go from my usual chicken,bacon ranch sub to a regular turkey (which was not as good as the chicken bacon ranch).  So as she’s about to ring me up I reach to my back pocket and forgot my freaking wallet!WTF?!  Usually i need my wallet because it has my building access card on it, but today I took it out because…long story short, my wallet was out because I had to pay a bill online and I had to pee really bad and didn’t want to grab my wallet, take the access card out, put my wallet back in my pocket, blah blah blah….So this is why I had just taken my access key out.

      So I look at Linda SO SAD because I was looking forward to my foot long!  She looks up at me and gives me a smile.  I smile back admiring her one gold tooth .  “Let me go talk to the manager.”  So she goes to talk to Gloria, who is this older woman that always wears tons of make up and has a really raspy voice…. She comes out with a flirty grin “DO I KNOW YOU?!?!” I turn on my charm once again and she smiles…. “Go ahead, it’s on us!  You’re always here anyway!”  This made my day!  I don’t want this blog to get any longer so all in all… SHOUT OUT TO LINDA AND GLORIA!!!! WHAT! WHAT!

     I read this book a while ago, but I have a few books on my book shelf I still need to write about and figured this would be a pretty good one. The story begins with our narrator, Will Klein visiting his mother during her last moments before she passes away.
     From here on out it is a continuous roller coaster of various events that keep you wanting to read more and more. Eleven years prior to this, it was believed that Will’s older brother,Ken was involved in a rape and murder against his then girlfriend. After a nationwide manhunt, Ken was never found. After his family hadn’t heard word from Ken, it was assumed that he had passed away. His mother then mumbles that Ken is alive during her last breath (of course).
     From here on out, Will’s goal is to find his brother, who he believes is innocent of the crimes that he is being accused of. With this, Will’s current love interest dissappears. This, along with him attempting to get closer and closer to finding his brother, leads him more and more into a world of crime. This was the first book I had read by this author and I would definitly read another. It was well written, and there are smaller sub plots within the story that you never think will get resolved, but in the end Corben succeeds at wrapping everything together nicely. In fact, I think that the plot probably has more substance than some of the characters. In all, I would read this book on say….a vacation where you think you are taking a trip to costa rica and you miss your flight…like I did! Freaking TACA airlines.

      Unfortunatly I have been in house arrest for the passed two weeks or so which is why I haven’t updated this….well house arrest besides going to work, grocery store, running errands, bars, etc…. The reason? you ask?  Well…mostly because I’ve been mourning our loss of Bea Arthur AKA Dorothy Zbornak.

   I’m sad to say that she has finally joined “Ma” in that special Linai in the sky ….  I don’t know how exactly I got so addicted to this show… I think it started sometime in high school.  As some people may know, I HAVE to nap at least once a day…I’m trying to be better about it lately, but usually, if I don’t get a nap, I turn into a crabby carl.  So every day after high school…I would get home around 3 or 4ish?  It’s been so long, I don’t remember, but before my nap, I would just lay on my bed facing the tv and it seemed like reruns of the Golden Girls would be on ALL THE TIME on so many different channels.  So I watched one episode and got hooked.  This show is so hilarious! 

I never understood how these women got so much action! They were all such great friends too! They were like the grandma’s I never had!  And the great grandma (Sophia) I never had!  Besides my real grandma who is just as great!  I hope that one day I can find friendships like the ones these 4 shared!  BUT without as much promiscuity because in this day and age things like the clap are running wild.  One of my favorite episodes was when Dorothy and Sophia dressed as Sonny and Cher…well I guess just that scene…I always laugh so much  when that part comes on!  I haven’t seen the show in a long time just because I think I’ve seen them all, but I do occasionally find myself zoning out as I channel surf and after a while of staring at the tv I realize I’m watching Blanche talking about her supple breasticles, and I giggle bc that is so odd for an old woman to be talking about!

   Another thing I got really excited about was the Wolverine movie!  Ever since I was little I used to be OBSESSED with X-Men and I still have all the Marvel Comic cards.  I used to have all the action figures and know everything about all of them.  If you haven’t seen the movie you have to go see it!  Then you have to go to a comic book store and collect the trading cards like I did! 

That’s all I got!  RIP Dorothy and Ma… THANK YOU for being a friend!

 

Lataaaaaaaaaaaaa

I would like to preface this with the fact that I have changed some names that may be included to risk further embarassment…and also  because the only reason I wrote this was because…we can call him…”Brad”…always says that I’m slutty because I’m not a virgin and that I have sex with Kate, when I don’t. In fact, right now I WISH I WERE SLUTTY!  Dry Spell ‘09 is back again.  So here we go… cheers “Brad”!

Brad likes to sing and went on a date with a lesbian…. and I witnessed the whole thing.  Now…where should I start?

Sometime last week or so, I ended up going to karaoke with Kate, “Brad”, and his hawt date, who we can call…Cyndie….not to be confused with a double date….Kate and I were simply there for moral support…and so we can come up with stories like this to write about later.  I don’t exactly know how I got dragged into this…and to be honest, I didn’t even want to go out on Thursday because every time I do that, Fridays are so rough….but I figure why not?  Why not meet Brad’s BIG DATE that he was nervous about all week?!?!

So walking up to the bar, being the frugal person I am, I pre-drank allowing myself to spend less money at the bar, so please remember that I am already tipsy.  Walking in, I see Brad sitting at the table with one of his soft ball buddies waiting for his date….JUST KIDDING….he was already there with her….on opposite sides of each other, allowing me to be one of the privileged to have the seat next to her….and I’m sorry, but I just thought of saying that and thought it was really hilarious.

So we walk up and I say hi to Brad and his date… this being the first time I meet her, I put my hand out for a firm hand shake…by her not me.  Grabbing my drink with my left hand (my right one was crushed) I furiously take a gulp or two of my drink to ease the pain.  As I’m trying to make small talk with her (by the way, I believe I am the only one making conversation with her at this time), she just leans back  in her seat in a sort of Al Bundy seated position (minus the hand in pants)…. I don’t have anything against lesbians…and I could care less whether someone is a lesbian or not, but as I sat there in my drunken stupor these thoughts go through my head…. “soft ball player pony tail +firm hand shake+ Al Bundy stance”…I then BBM Mark, Brad’s roommate with a “Um…I think Brad’s date is a lesbian…”

As this thought goes through my head, the girl (?) waves down some other random girl at the bar and points to a pack of cigarettes motioning her to go out side “for a smoke”…kidding again…she didn’t say “let’s go for a smoke”…I just thought that would be a lesbian thing to say….but she did nod her head to the outside to go for a smoke.  So as she is outside smoking a cig with her new-found gf, Brad is up karaoking to some song…and to be honest I have no idea what it was, but probably some version of Lady Marmalade (sp?), because that is one of his all time favorite movies…  Now if that isn’t a match made in heaven, I don’t know what is!

After this, I don’t really remember what else happens, but I know he took her home (Ohh la la!)….then came and picked us up which ended with me being a fat ass and buying two large pizzas (ugh.).

A few days pass to this passed Saturday…I lost my wallet somewhere between Friday night and Saturday morning, so I couldn’t go out and only had 5$ worth of gas.  I did however walk to  THE MAT, which is another bar close to my place to meet up with a few friends (”Brad” included)…I’ve been thinking of a funny way to narrate this, but I’m just going to say it how it happened…. After spontaneously talking to people at our table, I hear Erin, (we can call MATCHMAKER, who is sort of the one who is responsible for these two love birds meeting) “I’m pretty sure she’s a lesbian!”… then I get excited and yell “I KNEW IT!” to which Brad hits me because he thinks I told her about my suspensions when in fact I didn’t even know they knew each other!

In short, I called Brad’s “date” a lesbian and I was right!  Sorry “BRAD” ?  On a more positive note, kudos to you for getting the nerve and guts to talk to a girl and ask her out!  That is a very hard thing to do! Next time though, I would suggest a Mavs game or maybe a round of golf rather than singing some Urethra Franklin at a bar.

Please note Brad’s right hand and the hand position it did NOT get to experience on date night

 

P.S. I ordered my new blackberry today! WOO HOO! Hopefully it gets here this week!

     What an insightful piece of veterinary literature!  I’ve never read a book on dogs before, but I can tell you this….this book is sure to answer any questions you might have about bulldogs!  For example…who knew you were supposed to keep fireworks away from bulldogs?!?!  I sure didn’t….but now I do thanks to this great book!

  On a more serious side, this does give great insight as to how to care for a new dog, as well as habitual bull dog behaviour as well as various health problems that may be attributed to these type of dogs.  Some of this stuff I will leave up to a groomer to do for me….for example, I will not be cutting his nails because I’m nervous I’ll clip one of his paws off and he will bleed to death!

   If you have a bulldog, get this book! DO IT!  If you don’t have a bulldog….don’t get this book!

    Lately I’ve been slacking on my blogs but  before I put this one up, I was waiting for some pics to go on FB so I can put one up here!  Last weekend or so was a friend/coworker’s bday.  I hadn’t planned on going out for very long, because my family was coming in town and I didn’t want to come to my apartment wasted with my family there.

    So I met up for dinner and drinks with coworkers, then migrated to Fuse downtown, which was a nice place…just kind of too expensive for me….I’d rather spend $8 on 3 beers than one drink, but no big deal, I still had fun…besides them charging me $32 for nothing on my card (literally…they charged me $32 for nothing).  The plan was to later go to a place called Aura, which is one of those trendy places where there is a line on the outside and you have to be really dressed up to go.  Oh they also have a fake list to get in…and by fake I mean that if you get a chance to peek at this “list”…it’s blank.   I hate going to these places mostly because I dress up every day for work, so I like to be in jeans and flip flops for the weekends.  At this time, my mom had called to tell me they were here, and I had honestly just planned to go home instead of stay out all night, and left the restaurant with an “Um…. MAYBE I’ll meet up.”  And in Joe Language that usually means “probably not”.

   Even if I were going to go, I still had to go home and re-dress because I had just been wearing flip flops, which would definitely not let me in. After my buddy, Zach did some convincing, I finally went…only if he picked me up because I didn’t want to walk to my truck, drive over there, park, walk back, etc.  We finally get to the too trendy for me, aura.  After paying $5 for a beer, I just kinda LURKED on the side with Damon, sweating because I decided to be a blazer douche that night and that, mixed with a crowded place = Sweaty Joe.

   As I’m lurking and talking on the side of the dance floor with D, a woman grabs my hand..sweaty hand if I say so myself.  Now when I say a woman grabs my hand, I mean a WOMAN…. not a 30 something year old cougar…and to be honest, I would beg to differ if someone had said she was a 40 something year old cougar!  So she grabs my hand and I look at my had because I thought something was wrong with it, or I had something on it, and then the woman pretty much yanks me onto the dance floor…. I look pleadingly at D for some kind of help or intervention….. no luck.  Then I figure,whynot dance with this granny?  No harm in dancing with a woman who looks older than my mom.  Everyone could use a little confidence boost now and then right?  Also, I want to add that she was wearing jean capris with KEDS….they still make KEDS?  This observation took me aback because it only solidified my hypothesis that she was at least in her 50s and I was in no way exaggerating.  Just shows that women can dress however they want to get into any bar they want, while guys really do have to dress up to be considered to go into these fancy places.

   So as I’m dancing with this 50 some-thang I’m also sweating profusely from the combination of dancing, my blazer, and all the people.  I then feel a tug on my neck and it is the woman….I don’t know if this is some ancient dance move, but at the time I felt like she wanted to whisper a sweet nothing in my ear.  So i lean my ear closer to her and she proceeds to lick/kiss/suck on my neck!  This is someones mom!  Some one’s grandma! I was in shock, but at the same time I had to turn my head and laugh to myself because it was such a funny situation.  I don’t even know what to think of this lady…she is clearly too old to be a cougar and clearly not rich enough to be a sugar mama coming to a bar in KEDS and jean capris!  I guess we can call this one a busted Saber Tooth?

   So as the saber tooth is kissing/sucking/licking the nape of my neck, I am making it very clear not to look at her in the eye and I keep my head to the side BEGGING my friends to save me or somehow intervene, as I get laughs and flashes from their numerous cameras.  I really did feel like a celeb with all those flashes.  So about 6 or 7 minutes with the Saber tooth tiger careening over my hot dance moves and mad skill, she grabs my neck back to her sweet whisper and clearly states “You’re not into me are you?”  Pause Pause Pause….

I stop mid dance.  Stare at her with a chuckle and follow with a “Um…well no, but I’ll still dance with you.”…. This hoe dares to roll her eyes at me…WTF?!  After a couple minutes more of awkwardness I go ‘Uh….I gotta go find my friend!  I’ll be right back!”

And that was pretty much the end of that.  I made it a point to stay as far away from that side of the bar as possible.  Over all it was a great time!  And I had a good story out of it!

     Please note the above  pain in her face as I desperately try and gain some kind of intervention as pictures are being taken.  She OBVIOUSLY wasn’t liken all the paparazzi cams.  Also if you will, notice the saber tooth CLAW clinging onto the nape of my neck ever so gently…while all the while clutching onto every ounce of dignity I have.

Happy Easter Wizzeekend everyone! No huge plans for me this weekend…a couple bday happy hours and dinners and such…then Baby Jayden and Co. are coming in town so we will be t-DYE-ing eggs! Woohoo! Have a great weekend everyone!

 

LATA!

      This one won’t be too long…I have stuff going on tonight, so won’t be able to watch SURVIVOR till some time this weekend!  Also my freaking DVR box went out yesterday! This will probably be mostly me clowning on Kristen…much like every other Thursday blog. Sorry suckas.  Here goes…

 

Biggest Loser:

   Once again, Kristen never fails to disappoint and without her I would probably not have much to talk about it…so thanks for that K.   So this week they were tempted to keep eating different foods until they came upon either cash or a SINGLE VOTE…fancy.  Sure enough everyone kept eating (which was optional) until they found the single vote…all except Bubble Butt Kristen.  She claimed she was too smart and didn’t want to eat but instead just lose enough weight to not be under the yellow line…ugh..yeah right, I’m pretty sure she wasn’t thinking that when she shoved that big ole cupcake in her mouth.

  Now I didn’t see the episode where they go home till a few days ago when I realized that my On Demand saves  prime time  shows.  Did anyone notice that all of Kristen’s family looks the exact same?!?!  INCLUDING her bulldog… I swear they are quadruplets!  Also, whenever the contestant start the weigh in, I always get stressed out just by the music and the facial expressions everyone shows before the commercial break!

  When Sione and his team mate found out Sione was up for elimination, I did NOT understand why they were doing that sumo wrestler dance?  Is that something in the Indian culture that I didn’t know about?  Grant it, I haven’t seen slumdawg, and may be missing out on some Indian traditions…but whatev…. and if they were so nervous about getting voted out, they could have done the SMART thing and aligned with Tara and Laura saying they would never vote them out if they had to, thus giving the green team TWO alliances rather than the one (pink woman)….DUMB.  I also enjoy Allison (the host)’s face whenever the contestants are being voted out and crying, saying how they love each other, etc. and she pretends to care with an awkward sympathy smile….actually that’s one of my favorite parts is watching her facial expressions.

  STILL want Tara to win!  But I know she probably won’t because the second she falls below the yellow line, they are kicking her to the curb :-/ .  I did however find THIS nice little website dedicate to Tara.

 

American Idol

-   FREAKING SCOTT!  I giggle to myself SO MUCH just watching him on stage as he awkwardly waves to no body and lankily walks across the stage.  Did anyone else notice how when the contestants were turned around watching his goodbye video, he kept turning around because he didn’t know if it was over or not?  I’m sad he’s gone bc I have nothing else to laugh at during the show!  I also think this pic is HILARIOUS.